booyah!!

This little dude has nothing to do with the post, but look how ADORABLE he is!  This was his "say cheese face!"

Goodness, it's amazing what you can get done in a 12 hr period on your blog, when you have nothing to do at work :)

Do you like?!

I'm lovin' this!  

Just a little patience and you really can achieve what you want!

This has been so rewarding figuring this out, I now know why people do it.

It's no where near being done, but I'm very happy with it where it is now.  Just little changes here and there and i know it will become what I envision...(even though it isn't quite clear in my brain either ;) )

Now, I must go back to work for a few minutes, and then give a little time to my Heavenly Father. I've been very neglectful this past weekend, and I can feel it. 

Ciao bella!

.The Experience.

So I don't think I've ever been to a drive in movie.  For some reason I keep thinking I have, but if I have, it's been a LONG time, and it wasn't that cool obviously.
So this one, was one to remember.  It was a great deal, Pirates 4 and Tangled, both for 7 buckaroos! SWEET!

1. we were fifteen minutes late.
2. it was raining...and freezing.
3.we drove around for 15 mins trying to find a good parking spot.
4. we changed our positions like three times.  There were 6 of us in the back of a Ford Explorer and seriously, just not enough room, even with the back seat laid down.
5. by the time we got situated and everyone could see the screen clearly, there was like half an hour left.  No one had seen the movie before, so we were all just joking at it and having fun not knowing what was going on.
6. we didn't even stay for tangled, it was that miserable hahaha.

Then we went to Butch's house and made breakfast...haha.  Bacon, eggs, toast, chowmein, grilled cheese, you name it it was probably there.  Hey, they needed to clean out their food because they're leaving in a couple days for the summer.  The boys were very willing mouths haha.

this girl. . .

So this weekend I went to visit mi sista Kc before she leaves for boy scout camp this summer.

Late nights with mi sista. Pics are a must :)

The capitol building is literally her front lawn.....so in the last few hours of the sunshine on Sat..we took advantage of it :)

We are really silly. But I love this girl so much.  Goin on six years strong as inseperable, no matter the distance between us. 

 (i think we've lived near each other like 2 years of our entire friendship. crazy huh. and that was high school.)

I can't wait to see her on CATALINA ISLAND over the summer! shweet :)

Food Fail. . .

This girl at work made the most amazing peanut butter rice krispies with chocolate on top.
I got the recipe from her awhile ago, and have been dying to make them.

can you say. . . EPIC FAIL?!?!


I tried. The first go around we completely burned the karo syrup and sugar. LOL, it was our little monster. But we got it under control and started again. We REALLY wanted these!!
mega points on this round.
-didn't burn it right off.  1 pt!
-mixed everything in, and it looked good! 1pt!
-put it in pan to cool!  1 pt!
-melted chocolate perfectly!  1 pt! Nah, that one gets 2!!
-poured chocolate over amazing looking rice krispies, and cooled to perfection! 1pt!
Total: 6 points! Wahoo!

See it looks so yummy!  What could go wrong?!
. . . . . . . . . . . .

Fast forward an hour or so while the chocolate is hardening on top of my deliciousness, aaaaaand I tried to cut a piece for Susie's bday present....  minus 50 pt!
They were HARD as a ROCK!
No joking.
My beautiful looking creation sucked. :(
Guess I'll have to try again, and ask the lady what I might have done wrong.. :(
Beauty of cooking? haha.
at least dinner before was marvelous!

Faith. . .

Someone asked me about my mission today..
and I realize how up in the air I am.

Becca for awhile there was always changing her mind..
and I used to think how crazy I thought she was. Like why can't she make a decision and stay with it?
But maybe that's how the Lord works with us stubborn people sometimes.

But it sucks.  Why can't I just go on a mission? Why has a full time mission not come up so strong? Why did I have that blessing, and it say what it did?  Why do I really feel at a standstill right now?  It's hard to have faith when I feel like I haven't had enough..if that makes sense.  Back to studyin, and going to the temple it is. (not that I've stopped, just going back for those reasons again.)
I pray I'll find the answers.  Kirk's blessing said to not fear and have confidence in the decision I've chosen. Is a service mission what I've chosen? I'm such a literal, black and white person with stuff. Is a mission, not what I think a mission is?  In the few times I've talked, or heard my bishop talk since this whole thing, he says everyone has a mission...whether it's being a mom-being a best friend- ANYTHING good and worthwhile could be your mission.
So maybe mine has something to do with the rest of that blessing, and meeting new people, throwing myself into the work at home. And through them I'll find my husband?  That scares me.  It scares me I already know him.... Ah! Faith, Chelsey. Faith. 
I've gotta stop questioning, but then i realized how little I have questioned in my life.  Hardly anything.  Maybe this is also teaching me that it's OKAY to question. Because we're supposed to ask Heavenly Father anything. Questioning leads to faith, right? I've always just done what I'm told, and never thought twice about my life really, now that I think about it.  And I'm grateful for my tendency towards obedience, but it's almost liberating to question.  Because...even though I am, I'm still having faith, but I'm getting answers! I'm not doing wrong by questioning as long as I don't let it start to pull on my faith in the Lord, and let it lift me.
Tonight I'm in the nursery, and purposefully didn't bring my computer, and after this I am going to just read and study and ponder. Hopefully I won't have to work tomorrow, and I can go to the temple and enjoy some time with the Lord, and my Heavenly Father.

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."
Ether 12:4

This has kinda become my go to scripture. I need to memorize it.

baby names. . .

I know, way too early right??
I don't think so.
I work on a post partum floor...it's on my mind a lot haha.
So here are a few that I LOVE. I tend to find names that I like, and then forget them later!

• Talia
• Shalyse
• Sydney
• Tacen
• Lainee
• Alise

Cute huh.  I need to find some more boys haha.
Love my little baby in the Nursery tonight.
<3

The past few days

So remember that date I went on?
Well it wasn't too bad actually!  First date after being engaged? check.  And it wasn't even awkward.
We went to Subway, and then shooting.  I love that I know as much as I do now.  I'm not anticipating any texts/dates/calls etc, but it was nice.  Thank heavens for that first date out of the way!

going to SLC this weekend!!  I'm so excited to see Kc :)  We are goin to have a blast!

I'm so sick of how much I'm working.  I feel like I live at the hospital. Yah, my paychecks have been nice, but I'm just burnt out.  I don't like coming to work anymore.  I dread it.  Oh well.

Mmm...thas all folks!

<3

Line Upon Line

It's like watching the stars appear at night. First one little light shines over there in the western sky. And then another, and then another. Until finally...well, look for yourself. A whole wonderful endless universe that began...with just one little star.

Line upon line, precept on precept.

That is how he lives us. That is how he teaches his children.

Line upon line, precept on precept.

Like a summer shower giving us each hour his wisdom.

If we are patient, we shall see how the pieces fit together in harmony.

We'll know who we are in this big universe and then we'll live him forever.

But until it happens...

Isn't it something, Jimmy? Millions and billions of stars. And trillions more we can't even see. A whole universe of opportunity. Wouldn't it be tragic to just throw it all away because we can't see it all right this minute?

Beautiful

This is what I walk outside to whenever I leave the hospital after working Mom/Baby.

How lucky am I?

It always gives a sense of hope, especially in the quiet peaceful hours of early morning.

I starting talking to Becca tonight.

God be thanked for that girl in my life.

I didn't want to explain everything over again.

I'm tired of telling the story. 

But I love talking to her, and I knew I needed to talk to her.  

She really helped me see.

God gives us answers to push us in certain directions.  Those directions might not be the end all result that we end up with. But they get us going in the right direction, until something else comes up. and if we're in tune with the spirit, then we'll know when the better opportunity comes up. 

"Be still..and know that I am God."

Psalms 46:10

I need to learn patience. I'm pretty sure that is supposed to be a major lesson out of all of this....the past year and a half of my life.  

"In your patience, possess ye your souls."

Luke 21:19

I found this actually while dating Marsh.  When you do have patience, and just live how you know you should, patience will allow you to possess your soul. To have have that complete happiness.  I can't describe how I feel what this verse means, but in my heart it makes complete sense.  

Becca said some great words of wisdom.

she said that I need to be still...to stop trying to go full force in a direction right away. take some time to learn about myself. Learn who Chelsey is. Because even with all of this? I still don't think I know, or at least appreciate who I am.  In her words, she said, "you don't have to be like everyone else. Stop trying to put yourself in a mold."

Most of the time when I get advice, I know when I need it, and when I don't.

And I definitely needed that.  I guess I try to do that. I try to be what I think everyone thinks is cool. Who everyone would like.  Etc. Etc.  

IT GETS REALLY TIRING.

Especially the days when I realize it, and then I kinda stop having fun.

I did that last night.  

Bah.

She made a list for me as we were talking.

Of all the things that I like.

It's OK for me to be who I am.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, I need to be still and let God lead me. Even though I want to do what He wants me to do, I still need to find myself, and I'm trying to push it, make it happen too fast.  

Ha, well what does that bring us back to?

PATIENCE.

 I am just going to have fun.  And I know I will walk into my answer. I know the Lord will NOT let me down.

I need to stop thinking that I am so old, because I'm not.  

Be still. And Know that I am God.

I'm going to learn to accept myself if all times, in all situations, in everything.

Then I know I will be able to help the most people.

I'm going to stop trying to please everyone, because while it might be a quality if you use it right, in my case, it's a burden. Something I don't need to carry, or live with.

i'm going on a date tomorrow! Nothing fancy schmancy. but still.  

EEK.

We'll see what happens. I hope he doesn't ask for another one, right there.  I hate that.  so awkward. Especially since I barely met the kid.  

Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me Becca.  For her ALWAYS inspired words, and never ending love.  She seriously is like Thy mouthpiece just for me, just when I need it.  I haven't talked to her in forever, and she is right here at the right time.

Divine Intervention.

I think that is the theme for the rest of the year.

<3

ooooh yah.

I
got
asked
on
a
date.

bah!

Weird.
don't know when it will be.
but.
first date.
in awhile.
and it will be good.
i know where i'm at in my life because i feel ok about this.

I definitely need to learn patience.

L&E&C ♡

Leeanne Allison----Erin Henderson

I love these girls!!  They honestly have turned my life around, and I know God put them in my life at just the right time.
here are some things we've been doing :)

 

 

We went tubing!! so fun. So so so fun.
I didn't know you could tube down the Virgin river, but ya can, and it rocks!
These girls are so fun, and I'm so glad I met them. They can make a day brighter :)

Been awhile..

My life.....
Yep, pretty much sums it up.
I talked to my stake president again this morning.
After really feeling like a service mission (and keep in mind that to me a service mission is humanitarian stuff) I went to talk to him, and he said he didn't want me to turn in my papers. Well when I said a service mission he gave me 4 options.
1.DI (BLAH)
2.Family History Center (less BLAH but still blah)
3. Call center for tabernacle (BLAH)
4.Bishop storehouse (Just Blah)

I don't want to serve four hours a week, and that's it and still carry on with my life. I feel like I need to serve a greater purpose than that.  I have so much more to do than that.
He said he would look into other opportunities...but who knows how long that will take.

Then I saw my bishop. And he really feels like I need to turn in my papers and see what happens.  He was going to talk to the stake pres because I guess this guy is really cautious.

I hate that my bishop is getting one answer, the stake president is getting the opposite end of another answer, and I'm somewhere in the middle.
I'VE DONE ALL I CAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
I don't trust myself anymore.
I don't know how I'm listening to myself wrong.  I thought I know how to listen to the spirit.

EVEN AFTER ALL THIS WITH MARSHALL I'M STILL GOING BACK AND FORTH ON BEING HAPPY/SAD. WHAT THE FREAKIN CRAP IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!?!?!?!

I don't know.  I went to the temple prep class today and the bishop spoke on obedience.  The Lord needs to know that He can trust you, and then He will give you more opportunities or something like that. I just want to do what He would want me to do. Why does it have to be so hard to find an answer?

What to Live For

I know it's been awhile.  My paper journal has gotten a little more love, but I just can't seem to remember to upload photos and so I haven't written on here yet.
But i'm working EKG tonight, and just blog stalkin, and found this amazing quote by an amazing lady, who I really need to read more up on.

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.

I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.

I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.

I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.

I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.

I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."

— Marjorie Pay Hinckley

This really made me stop and think.
What do I want to do in my life? What goals and attributions make me, me?
I want to be like Sister Hinckley.  I try not to get caught up in the worldly things. yah I want to look nice etc..but sometimes it gets in the way.  I hope I can remember to think more of others, and truly give my life to them, which in turn, I'm giving my life to my Savior.  Those thoughts just bring me the greatest joy!! Seriously.  Serving makes me so happy. Making other smile, brings out the best in me.  I hope I can continue to do that.

--and P.S. I  want to learn how to make a really cute blog haha.  I feel like my blogs are just kinda borin.  hmm..  Let the blog stalkin continue! Man I'm pathetic lol.

Welp, it's Sunday

The end of my week is here.  

Am I cured?

HA. No.

But I am doing so much better.  

Last night I was talking with susie and we were just having a fun girls night after sleeping.  I just talked things over with her and it kinda put it more into perspective for me.

I kinda have Three roads I can go down right now.

-a full time mission.

-a service mission.

-go to school and get involved in everything.

And I'm kinda leaning towards a service one......

But I also just want to do whatever the Lord wants me to do.  So I'm going to keep going to the temple, praying, asking, and reading, but I might just say to my stake president, I am willing to do anything.  And see where it goes...but I don't know about that decision.  

I went to church today with Leeanne, and there were two girls there that were engaged, and ya know what? It didn't kill me.  I still love myself.  I honestly feel like I made leaps and bounds with my feelings towards Marshall.  We weren't the best for each other.  And it's ok.  I will find someone like him, and only better for me.  And I was still kinda thinking of my blessing and how it said i might know the man i'm supposed to marry.  And I realized today with astounding certainty that I know a lot of people.  A lot.  And knowing doesn't mean I'm friends with them.  So it made me feel better.  :)

I am handling this! I finally feel like I have a true grip on things.  I know i've been slowly going up to this point and it feels good to be getting closer.

New Friend!!

So I was with Susie last night, and we were going to go swimming.  We got in the pool, which was amazing by the way, and we were just having fun.  It was ten at night and just a beautiful night.
Then this girl came up to the gate, and asked if we would let her in to come swimming.
It was weird because sus and I were the only ones in the pool, and she was all by herself.  but she got in and we started talking, and she is like the cutest little thing ever.  Her name is Leeanne, and she is a convert. We just started talking and things just clicked.  Her singles ward starts at one, and by that time Marshall will be gone from the institute, and I can just have fun.
It was so wonderful to meet her! I seriously know there was some divine intervention in that.
We went to church today, and her ward is awesome! I loved the spirit of a singles ward. how I've missed it!
And we're going to lay out by the pool tomorrow. It's so perfect. All my friends down here are married.  IT's so perfect to have someone to do all the fun things I want to with.   I love making good, new friends.   She is super cute and I can't wait to get to know her better!

New Goal

So the middle of this week I kinda had a break down.  

It was my fourth day of work, and I just was done.  I ended up being in the nursery and I was blog stalking..again.

I found this blog that really changed my thinking.

She is just this really fun girl, who just has the best outlook on life.  I found myself thinking, yes, I can be like that. I don't have to be sad.  I can't really explain how it changed my thinking, but it did.  I have so much more confidence.  There were just certain things that she said, and just how cute and open her posts were.  I love myself.  And I know that I'm only getting better and better.

I told myself after that that until Sunday I wouldn't think about the decision I had, just have fun, and find out more on how to just let it rest, to become at peace with what has happened to me.  

It turned out to be harder than I thought. I ended up only think about Marshall..which is what I kinda wanted...to get over that part of my life, but I didn't realize how hard that would be in and of itself.  

I love my Heavenly Father

I am so blessed.
So much to blog about.
Wow.
I hope I can remember it all.
meeting Leeanne,
lauren's blog,
going swimming with susie,
work,
goal till sunday.
confidence.
three roads.
lots.
hopefully I'll get to soon.
It alwasy seems like the times I don't want to write that al this stuff happens and then I get sad because I can't remember it all ha.

I love this gospel.  I am so grateful for being born into it, and never having to lean on my moms testimony. Looking back I always had one.  And when I thought I needed to "find out for myself?" it honestly was just to reinforce so much what I already knew.

<3

Barely Living

That's all I can say.
I'm barely hanging on to my emotional state.
I know it's only because Heavenly Father loves me that I can keep it together when it starts to split in half.
Maybe one day I'll be ok.
bye.

work..

Tonight I've actually been kinda busy.
knock on wood...I don't want it to get worse.
Not that I'm trying to be lazy...it's just really kinda scary when a call comes in...because you never know what to expect on EKG and I don't like the adrenaline if it's a big, scary thing.

I don't know what to think about myself right now.
I've been upset most of the day, even though I went to the temple and had fun.
I see pics of his family, and think of all I had...and why Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to have something like that?

My mom talked to the bishop last night.
And he said that my blessing could mean ANYTHING. so many things.
So, now what do I do?
The blessing also said that I would have a lot of advice but this decision is going to come from me, from the Lord.
Sooooooo what now?
Why do I feel so good about not going, and going on a service mission when I heard he said that, I want to go on a full time mission again.

My mom says I worry too much. To have faith, and that this decision is going to come from the Lord.
I KNOW this. Why do you think I'm having such a hard time???
I don't know where the line is, of making a decision and going to the Lord with it (which I did by keeping going on my papers) only to have it kinda shot down, to have that blessing in the back of my head, and now I don't know what to do.
I need new friends.
I feel like everything now is my old life, and that I need to find something new. and I HATE that.  I think with Marsh's family and friends I caught a glimpse of everything I've ever wanted, and then it was just snatched away.
All my friends are either married, single but live away from me, or just are not the hang out buddies.
ARG!.

Which part is mine Heavenly Father?

What am I supposed to do?

What Am I supposed to learn from this.

What would be best for me to do for Thy kingdom?

What can I do to have that faith I know that Thou wants me to have?

I just pray, please be by my side to carry me. I'm almost to the point where I can't do this anymore... 

"After I've done my best, I know You'll do the rest."
                           .....but I need help to do my best.

Temple

I love going to the temple.
I love changing into all white clothes.
I love kneeling there, in the stall after I'm all dressed in white, and saying a prayer.
I love the cleanness, physical and spiritual, there.
I love it when there are TONS of people there and you have to wait in line forever for everything, because it goes too fast otherwise.
I love being confirmed...when their hands touch my head, you can instantly feel a connection to Heaven.
I love being baptized and hoping and praying that each person will accept the marvelous gift.
I love trying to imagine each person.
I love saying, "Amen" to each prayer, and silently saying "I love you."  Because it's true. I hope I get to meet every woman I've been baptized/confirmed, and one day sealed/endowments etc. for.
I love seeing all the temple workers.
I love taking a big breath right before I open the door to leave, and mentally prepare to go out in the world again.
I love walking out the door and seeing the BEAUTIFUL temple grounds, especially on lovely summer/spring/fall days.
I love going with friends to do baptisms.
I love even more going by myself to do them..I can't believe I used to be scared of doing that.
I love the temple so much, and can't wait till I can learn more.

*I hope all that are reading this know the gospel, but if you don't, PLEASE go HERE.  I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Just please keep an open mind and heart, and I know it will bring you the same happiness it has brought me.*

Journaling

I guess instead of journaling, I should be out doing stuff...but it's sunday and we're just waiting to go see my mom..and I just wanted to again.

I love writing in my journal, and online in this thing.  I want to be able to look back and read and see how I handled all the situations in my life.

I'm so glad I listened when the prophets said to keep one.  I found journals from when I was like 8 or a little before. It's so fun to read a little me, and to remember those feelings coming back. Because you're using a very powerful sense organ to write those memories, and it stays with you.

"To you women of today, who are old or young, may I suggest to you that you write, that you keep journals, that you express your thoughts on paper. Writing is a great discipline. It is a tremendous education effort. It will assist you in various ways, and you will bless the lives of many--now and in the years to come, as you put on paper some of your experiences and some of your musings." --President Gordon B. Hinckley

Leave it to President Hinckley to say something perfect.
I miss him.
But I love all the prophets, and am so grateful for them all.

Happy Mother's Day!

I went to church today....
and I wasn't sad.
I prayed before to have the confidence to go to church today, and I was so blessed to immediately receive that.
I saw Tyler and Shalyse.  And for a split second, I almost ran away from them...I didn't want to go there. But I stopped myself and said, no. I'm just as good as they are. Marshall does not define our relationship.  And I talked to them. IT WAS SO GOOD! I finally felt like that confident self that I know I am.
I have ALWAYS put Tyler and Skylar on a pedestal.  Always thought they were so cool, and thought they would never want to talk to me, or think i was cool enough to be a friend. And then when Marshall was their best friend? I INSTANTLY put him up there too. And even though he was my boyfriend, I had no confidence. I'm actually kinda disgusted with myself that I had as little as I did. I am worth something. I am very worth something.  And I'm not any less than any of them. I just wish I would have seen this then. I definitely have learned so much from Marshall and these last ten months about myself.
Then I was talking to Brother Bennett, and how I love all the tender mercies in the form of people that i saw today.  He is so awesome, and I'm so blessed to have been in this ward, to have gotten to know all of them better.

Gosh, I'm such a lucky girl!!! 

And then tonight we're going to go to mesquite to meet mom after work to go to dinner.  I'm so lucky to have her for a mom.  She seriously is the best.  And I'm so glad she is getting stronger as well.

I love this new me.  And I feel like this one is to stay. Not that I had a good day, and feel ok with myself. but that I'm actually OK. Inside and out about who I am. I may not have all the answers yet, but I definitely feel like I'm starting to have a foundation to build on.  I have grow leaps and bounds...part of me wishes that I could date Marshall now again, like completely start over because I feel we would have a lot more fun. But I know he needed this (for some reason) and I for surely needed it, and if it comes together later, amazing, but for now I'm not doing to dwell or be sad for all I did or didn't do. I treated him the best I could, and I did put my whole heart into it and that's the best I can do.

I love all my friends.

I love my family. (family reunion in July baby!)

I just am in love. 

I know I felt this way a few posts ago and things definitely change and I know that I will probably be sad again, but how blessed I am to be able to come back to this state of mind. To feel peace. To feel whole. To feel complete. 

I have a lot to accomplish, and I know this is only preparing me for what I need to know later.

<3

Being Happy

I feel like I'm starting to get closer to the edge. Of just feeling again.  To make myself become better. 

I don't want to do this anymore than I already have.  

My good friend Andrew Sargent helped me realize that tonight as I was getting sad again.  I have So much to do.  This is a good thing.  His next gf is not going to be BETTER than me, just more suited for him.  And my bf will just fit me better.  

Andrew brought up the talk, good better best. I need to read that again.  

Marsh and I were better.  But we hadn't quite reached the best section yet.  

Just be confident Chelsey.

Be confident. 

You can feel it.

Right there inside, just waiting to come out.

Let it catch it's wings and learn to fly all the time.

You can do it.

She remembers when she first got her wings

And how she opened up that day 

she learned to sing

Then the colors came, erased the 

black and white

And her whole world changed 

when she realized

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky

Nothing's ever gonna bring her down

And everywhere she goes

Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive

She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world

So much hope inside such a lovely girl

You should see her fly, it's almost magical

It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful

God bless the butterfly,

give her the strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly,

give her strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

<3

New Song

I know I'm always finding new songs, but this really makes me hope for the future...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjKFb-4t_vg

Got a baby girl sleepin' in my bedroom

And her momma laughing in my arms

There's the sound of rain on the rooftop

And the game's about to start

I don't really know how I got here

But I'm so glad that I did

And it's crazy to think that one little thing 

Could have changed all of it

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned

Maybe thats why I'm such, such a lucky man

For every stoplight I didn't make 

Every chance I did or I didn't take

All the nights I went too far

All the girls that broke my heart

All the doors that I had to close

All the things I knew but I didn't know

Thank God for all I missed

Cause it led me here to this

Like the girl that I loved in high school

Who said she could do better

Or the college I wanted to go to

Till I got that letter

All the fights and the tears and the heartache

I thought I'd never get through

And the moment I almost gave up

All led me here to you

I didn't understand it way back when

But sittin' here right now

It all makes perfect sense

Every stoplight I didnt make 

Every chance I did or I didnt take

All the nights I went too far

All the girls that broke my heart

All the doors that I had to close

All the things I knew but I didn't know

Thank god for all I missed

Cause it led me here to this

Oh I cried when my momma passed away

And now I got an angel

Looking out for me today

So nothing's a mistake

Every stoplight I didn't make

Every chance I did or I didn't take

All the nights I went too far

All the girls that broke my heart

All the doors that I had to close

Everything I knew but I didn't know

Thank God for all I missed

Cause it led me here to this

Led me here to this

So proud!

 so ever since I first started this new blog, I really have just been unhappy with it's appearance.  I see others blogs and I get really jealous, because I have no idea what to do with with all this HTML crapola.  But I finally found a background that I'M IN LOVE WITH. and how to do a cute header that looks..so cute! I'm so proud of myself.  Funny how making your blog look good makes everything seem so much better haha.

P.s. I REALLY want to go back to here.

Drinking these...with her....

Please? Vegas substitute will do just fine. Kc will be here soon :)

new motto to try and follow.

I think this fits perfectly, and I REALLY want this rug in my future house one day. I think if people can learn this early on in life, we'd all be better off.

So much to Learn!

Well, after a complete breakdown here at work, Neesh and Alex came over to visit.


Alex was saying I'm not dealing with the issues going on in my life right now.  That with a mission, I'm running away.

I am, in a way.

I want to get out of here because all St. G does is remind me of Marshall. I'm so scared to do anything hardly because I know that he might be there.  Like my mom said, I'm making myself a prisoner in my own town.

Why have I always felt like I would go on a mission? Maybe things change. and I haven't exactly made my mind up yet...but that's what I'm feeling now.

I know I need to confront all my anger at the situations in my life right now. I am not obligated to go on a mission.  I could fulfill MANY other missions instead of just a full time 18 month one.  I know I will go on one, just like my blessing said.  But that could mean anything.

Lots to pray about, lots to read, ponder, and study.

I was blog stalking again tonight.  And I found some amazing quotes that I really just needed to read.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."--Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

wow....all my pains right now. I KNOW without a doubt that I will receive so much more than my sad, pathetic, lonely, aching heart can comprehend right now.

(side note. It's amazing looking back, how usually right my feelings are. I try to brush them off as other things, but they are almost all true. Maybe I need to listen to another blessing I received, and TRUST IN MYSELF.)

"Things always fall into place after the trial of our faith."

Didn't I just say that in my other post?????? Is the Lord watching out for me or what??

And the clincher of them all.  The one where Heavenly Father is hittin me upside the head saying, I LOVE YOU. EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME TO HELP YOU GROW. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND SOON. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP, BECAUSE I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU.

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end--no dawn to break the night's darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea "Is there no balm in Gilead?" We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face." ~ Pres. Thomas S. Monson

I am so loved.  

How can anyone dispute that, about any of us?

WE are so loved.

Eternally.

I don't know why I was so blessed to be born now, here, with a roof over my head, food, clothes, everything I could ever need, and MANY things that I want.  But I know, since I'm so blessed with these things, I need to give back.  I need to have charity. I know I will one day get what I've always hoped for, and it will be everything I need. Everything my loving Heavenly Father knows I need, and what is BEST for me. Because I can't see 2 minutes into the future, but He can see Eternity.  

Maybe this is my answer?

Pray. I tend to make decisions very quickly and then not think. I'm really going to take these two weeks to study it out.  

Thank you Alex and Neesh. Y'all honestly saved my heart tonight.  I love you both.

Why?

the universal question.
Everyone wants to know why.
Guess i'm no different.
I just want to be happy.
And right now, that is taking way more faith than I have.

:(

I see everyone getting married this month, and soon.
I want to be married.
I want to have my lover.

In His due time.

Miracles don't come unless I have faith. didn't I just read that today?

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!

I don't know why I have so much anger right now. I don't know anything about where it came from, or to who/what it is directed.

I don't want to be alone right now...and that's exactly what working ekg does to ya.

Maybe I'll find some answers tonight, once I calm down and really let the Spirit work in me.

:/

.......

I went to talk to the stake president last night...
I felt really strongly to tell him of my blessing, and how it said the mission thing.
He said I should wait a couple weeks, ponder and pray, and then meet with him again in two weeks and see what we should do about my papers.

I felt peace about this. But I also feel so overwhelmed again. I feel like I'm trying to do everything right...and yet I still can't get a straight answer, because on this one? I know that it's more important that I pick the one Heavenly Father wants for me, because these two directions can change my life forever.  If I go on a full time mission will I miss the opportunities of meeting the man I'm supposed to marry? or all the fun things I could be doing? Or if I go on a mission would they call me to just where I need to go for the amount of time I'm supposed to?

I hate making decisions like this.
I hate that I always have to go to work right after a big spiritual experience like that.
I hate that my heart still aches.
I hate that I always seem to go talk to my leaders on days when I'm the most sad.
I hate that I feel so alone when it comes to people around me.
Normally I don't mind going to work, but right now I HATE the fact that I have to go to work tonight AND tomorrow night.
I hate the fact of dating again.
I hate the fact of ugh..just everything.
I know this is Satan....I haven't quite figured out how he tempts me when I'm where i'm at now in my life. I could easily see it with Marshall, and I'm not just talking about physical stuff. But now I kinda don't know, but I know he's there, and I know I have to be careful.

It's a BEAUTIFUL day outside, and I HATE that I work night shift and have to sleep all day.
And I hate that I can't sleep more than I did today!!!!

I'm sorry for all the hatin'.  I honestly am having a really difficult time right now.
I pray for the wisdom to understand why i'm going through this.
I pray for time to go faster, but only until my heart heals, and then it can go back to normal pace.
I pray that I'll look back on this and laugh. Laugh at myself for worrying so much, laugh at myself for not having enough faith, and laugh at myself because everything did work out, just perfectly, if I'm willing to let my Heavenly Father guide me.  Not regret, but just laugh.

I need to learn that.

Sorry for the awful post.
But hey, it's a journal, and noone's readin it, so I can be :)

Time is justa movin on!

Well I FINALLY have an interview with the stake president tomorrow! YIPEE!  I hope all things go well.

So a few things I've learned the past few days.....
Neesh and I went shopping this morning because she needed groceries.  And ever since Marshall I really have been excited about having my own home etc.etc. So it's always kinda in the back of my mind but we were checking out today, and when the lady was putting the stuff in bags, I thought of what my dear sister KC stands for in not wasting the planet with bags. (holla woman!) and so I thought of how I will get my own reusable bags. And it honestly just hit me. I was SOOO excited to have my own house. To shop for my husband, and then for our kids.  Excited to have my own bags! haha. Crazy, I know. But it just  hit me and it was a great feeling. I can't wait for that.  I know I have YEARS to go before that dream will be mine, but I can't wait!! :)

I thought this one was cute :)

Thing number 2

-I was asking people to come in a  little bit for me tomorrow so i can go to the interview, and this one girl (who almost went on a mission but her now husband convinced her to stay) said that she would, and the way she worded it was, "Not a problem, love :) you go pursue your dreams. :) "

It just kinda hit me. Because yah, this is my dream now. Or at least it's slowly becoming it, as I get over the depressing sadness of losing my fiance.  

I'm excited for the steps my life is taking.  Mission...then I can do WHATEVER i want. Whatever in the world. I've given my life to the Lord fully for a year and a half, and then I get to come home, and while not stopping that, I get to try anything.  And then I'll get my family, and I honestly believe that you can look at life like a fairytale. Yes, things will be hard, and you have to be in reality enough to understand that.  But life can be magical, when everything is in it's right timing.  

The Right Place, Right Time, and Right One. 

You are the author of your life, and when guided by the Almight Perfect One, it can be so much more than you could ever dream of.

Hah this looks so fun to me. Just perfect :)

Number 3

So I bore my testimony on Sunday, and then my mom's home teacher came up to me and started talking, and then, my mom text me last night and said that he called and he wanted to tell me that I missed your awesome testimony and that he could hear the sincerity in my words and that it touched him deeply and he thought about it all day sunday and yesterday. Me? My little ol words? That I was sniffling and crying through? Wow.

It hit me. You NEVER know who needs anything you might give them. It's amazing, the power of the Holy Ghost. It made my whole night.

Number 4

This little mama is my sister, kc :)  

We had a funny texting convo this morning that I have to write down and share :)

We were talking about how I'm going to have all these kids and that I'll need a U-haul trailer to go anywhere with them. Well I said well I might need one for when they come stay at your house for a whole summer. and then she said. And you would only roll on the floor laughing if you knew us, or were us. haha

"I'm gonna punch you haha, fine, if I get them for the whole summer you aren't gonna complain when they're returned to you vegetarians smelling like incense and wearing vnecks and beanies."

I LOVE YOU KAYCI LEIGH ERICA HANSON!

I remembered more, but I can't remember now ha.  But I will add as they come up :)

Dreams

My Eternal Family=what I dream of

This morning I went to sacrament, fully intending on bearing my testimony.  I am not nervous in front of people, unless it comes to giving a talk.
Well, the ward always reminds me of Marshall.  Everyone knew we were dating.  I started bawling before I even went  up there. But I said I was going on a mission, and I felt like it eased the tension, that I was feeling between everyone.  
A sister in my ward, who I never thought even really knew I existed gave me a huge hug and said she missed me. It melted my heart.  And a couple others gave me hope.  I am learning so much, about how to be a mom, how to be a wife, and how to be a friend that I can't even explain it. 
How DO people get married so young?
You know NOTHING.
Maybe I'm just a little slower than everyone else.  
Oh well.
I am hopefully going to teach my kids to be not so much like the qualities about myself I wish I could erase.  
But J/M and I went to kellie and Garretts tonight, and had so much fun. Goodness I love being with friends.  I hope I can make my house like that.

Quick story.
I went to a youth conference right before I graduated. We went on a river rafting trip. The drive there was awesome, the trip itself ROCKED, and it couldn't have been more perfect.  The leaders busted their butts to make sure we got everything out of it we could have.  I remember watching all the dads of the kids I looked up to. They were so fun, so full of life, everyone loved them.  I remember being sad about not having a dad. But after watching them I just knew that that's what I wanted for my kids. At the testimony meeting the night before we left, I stood up and said thank you for the example of the men...and it's nice to be around that. Then Sister Cindy Johnson stood up and said to me, "Chelsey you can have that. I thought the same thing when I was younger, and I got one of those men.  You will have one."

Then a little while ago Sister Jayne Cox said, "you can have the family you've always wanted. Because it's in YOUR hands now. You can make it whatever you want.  "

I hope I can give to my kids, all the stuff I never had. I'm grateful for the lessons I've been taught through what I've been through in my life, but I want my kids to have the best. A loving family, who works together, is not afraid to talk to one another, and grows together. These are some of the things I want.

My Future Family

Where my kids are best friends. 

The one everyone wants to come over to. Where all my kids friends, are just like my kids.  

Where we ALWAYS make the best of things, no matter WHAT we're doing.

Where my husband is my OTHER HALF, my BEST FRIEND. My LOVER for ETERNITY.

Instill in my children a love of the scriptures.  Read with my hubby, my children, and for myself.  This is where so many answers and peace are found.

ALWAYS serving. No matter how small the service might seem. 

Make sure my hubby and I never fail to let each other know how important we are to each other, by little dates. Even if it's stuff like this.  

Always tell each other(whole family) how much we care about each other.  It is never enough to just know.  No matter how much your personality doesn't NEED to hear it all the time, it never fails to edify you, and make you feel good.  

Never cease to pray.

Be smart with money. I never want to be in debt for not worthy things, and have that be a huge stressor in our life, even though it will always have the capacity to.  

Pay our tithing, no matter what.

Always make the temple our goal.  At LEAST twice a month, hopefully every week.  Sit on the temple grounds with our kids, and let them know how important it is to us.

These are just a few things.  I can't wait to start my family...but I know I have things to accomplish before I do that.  But I have HOPE that I will have all I've ever wanted, even though I don't know what route it will take.  

I'm so proud to be a part of this church, where families are so important.  I know firsthand how not close a family can be...I never want my kids to go through that.  

Kids, if you ever read this one day. I hope I lived up to my dreams, and made your lives the best I could give you, and all you could have asked for. I hope you pass it on.  I love you. Eternity could never be better than being with you guys. :)