A look back...and a smile forward!

It's my 100th post!  I can't believe i've made it to this point! I wanted to just take a look back on this year.  When I started this blog in April, I just wanted it to be a private online journal, viewable to only me, to get my frustrations out. I was hurt, sad, frustrated, confused, and almost every other emotion. But since then I've grown, and the hurt has been replaced by peace, and joy, and I don't have to be embarrassed by what's happened to me.  Just embrace it and let it help shape me into the person I'm becoming.  I found this quote on Pinterest, and it sums everything up, like only the way quotes can do.

via

I've learned so much about myself since God told me "no."  I've learned what I can handle, and that I can handle SO much more than I ever thought possible; and I can handle it and use it to build me up instead of down.  I've learned when we follow what Heavenly Father wants for us, we can be so much happier than we ever thought possible.  When my fiance and I broke up, I thought my world was ending.  All my plans for the future were taken away from me in a matter of minutes. No matter how much I kept reminding myself that it was the right thing, {and I knew it was the right thing to do} it still hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.

 I have never questioned so much in my life. 

WHY did this have to happen to me. Am I not doing what I'm supposed to? We weren't doing anything wrong!  It's our choice isn't it? What did I do to deserve this?  Am I not good enough to marry him?  I'm never going to find anyone that I love as much as him, why did this have to happen to me? What is wrong with me?

It was not a fun few months.  Yet, laced with all the questions and hurt was peace, and moments of happiness.  It was the little moments, the tender mercies of the Lord, that helped me through.  It's amazing how a little moment of peace, a little ray of light can push through all the darkness to give you strength for a little while.  To give you that extra push to get up in the morning, and put a smile on your face.  I have never been so blessed and looked after as I was during those next few months, and even now, now that I've truly .  I learned to truly turn to my Heavenly Father and Savior to find my peace, to just let the past go, learn all I could from it, and move forward looking brightly into the future. 

I'm not saying I handled it perfectly.  There were moments where I just wanted to give up, and there were moments I did.  To just mope around all day eating ice cream and comfort foods. I didn't want to go to work, or church or anywhere in public. It was so hard to face all the questions, reliving the story all the time, even though people were just being well meaning. I would get so angry sometimes, so easily and the littlest things would frustrate me to no end.  But something was always there, at the precise moment I needed it, to take my hand and guide me through.  When I could barely make it through a day, he sent my eye doctor, of all people. He sent me two new friends that changed my summer. He sent me simple moments when I didn't even know I would need them.  Even on the day I was supposed to be getting sealed for time and all eternity I was especially not left alone.  It's amazing how the Lord sends others to do put their arms around us when He can't do it himself.  Have you ever heard the poem, "Footprints in the Sand." ?  I'm sure you have, but now you should listen to it. :)

The decision to go on a mission was also a real struggle.  I didn't want to go at first, in the least bit. But then I got an answer that I should go, and I went full steam ahead and just wanted to leave. I wasn't waiting for anything and nothing could stop me. But I was trying to do things way too fast, and in my own time frame and I wondered why nothing was working out. {and I couldn't see this why? lol. Hindsight is always 20/20 like they say.}   I went back and forth so much {over the course of two and a half months} that it was making me sick. But it was when I finally just calmed down and learned some patience that I knew I needed to slow down, and things will work out like they're supposed to, as long as I'm trying to do what's right and what I'm supposed to. And suddenly, I wasn't scared anymore. I was so excited! It was a peaceful feeling, instead of the rushed feeling. The night I turned my papers in was such a turning point for me.  I felt like my Heavenly Father was so proud of me, and let me tell you, nothing can compare to that feeling, nothing.  And now that I only have 19 days left till I leave, that peace that I've made the right decision has only grown.  I knew at first I needed to go on a mission, but I'm so glad I'm going now, and not then.  I knew I wouldn't have come home because I was sad or anything, but I needed to grow a little more, and have a few more experiences so that I could fully serve the Lord in the full capacity that He needs me to.

 I'm so grateful for God's"redirection" in my life! As much as I loved this boy and wanted to marry him, I'm so grateful we're not married, and that we both listented to those promptings!  Even though I believe we could have had a great marriage, God has different things in store for both of us, and His plan is always the better one. I've learned that God teaches us line upon line, and in His way.  I've learned that His way of teaching us always is for our benefit, and never to mock us or hurt us.  It's not about what we want, or what we think would be best for us at the moment. If we truly let ourselves be led by Him, our mistakes will never be to our detriment, only our aid, and our triumphs will be expounded upon us more wonderfully than we can comprehend. We are being prepared for eternal salvation, and I hope I can always look at my trials with a smile on my face and a faith that I am becoming the daughter He wants me to be.

Gee whiz if you made it to the end, thank you for reading! I write all this so that I can remember. This has been a big journey for me, and I'm grateful I can look back with a smile, and look forward to my new adventures with an even bigger smile.  Life is wonderful! Keep smiling :)

4 weeks!

Life should be a party!


-I only have FOUR weeks left till I leave!
-Going to SL this weekend to find more clothes and to play with good friends.
-Going to eat at Zupas and The Pie this weekend. Seriously, STG NEEDS to get a Zupas.
-Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Seriously guys, I love her workouts!
-Pinterest.  I can't wait till I get back from my mish so that I can start to do all these fun ideas.
-Did I mention I leave in four weeks? haha
-Spending all day Saturday with my dear friend Catharine, loving her little chubby boy, singing hymns and playing the piano, and then eating dinner and watching a movie.  It was so great to be a part of her family for a day! They are so stinkin' cute. I wish I had taken more pictures.
-I'm going to start reading "The Help" tonight. I've heard so many good things about it!
-Currently eating a cinnamon chip muffin, and it is sooo good.
-Finding new blogs that just inspire you.
-BEING ALIVE AND LOVING THE LIFE I'VE BEEN GIVEN. I'm so very blessed. I hope to never take it for granted.

VIA

Just had to share this thought of inspiration. 

I'm very humbled today..

It's been ten years.  I remember going to school, and we watched the news in science class.  We went to New York my senior year of high school, and I've seen Ground Zero.  How humbling that was.  So many people lost their lives right on the ground where I walked.  Even though I saw it six years after the fact, there was still a reverence there.  Something I think, and seriously hope, will never leave.  I'm grateful for the troops fighting for us now.  To keep us free so we can have the freedoms we do.  I'm grateful for all the firefighters and medics and others involved who heroically, with no thought for themselves, fought to save the lives of those in the towers.  I'm very humbled today.  May we never forget, and never let our children forget, and our children's children, forget this day.

GROUND ZERO

 Memorial for all those who lost their lives.

This one really gets me.

9/11/2001

What I think I want now? or what I want most..

I've learned something this last month about true happiness, and the choices we make. 
Richard G. Scott, {an apostle from my church} said it perfectly.

"Discipline is that characteristic which will give you the strength to avoid giving up what you want most in life for something you think you want now."  

August was a month of completely new experiences for me.  Some that have never come up before in my life, seriously. never.  It was amazing to watch myself! Things I had never questioned before started to come up again and want to be questioned.  It made me mad at myself but yet, I almost couldn't help it. It consumed my thoughts.  For at least a good three solid weeks I struggled.  Mind you, this was all in my head. I hadn't physically done anything to make me mad at myself.  For that, I was grateful to myself. Grateful I didn't have to deal with that as well.  But the fact that I was wanting to give into the temptations. That I was dwelling on these things enough to the point of seriously considering.  That was bad enough for me. 

It finally came to a head tonight. I realized that I needed to stop sitting on the fence- go one way or the other.  I wasn't accomplishing anything by doing what I was doing.  And after a few moments of revelation which I did not deserve, I remembered what it is I believe in, what I've always believed in, and what wouldn't let me give into the temptations in the first place..and I jumped back in with both feet.  As much as it makes me mad at myself for dwelling like I did, I'm very grateful for the experience. I now know how I react to different situations, and I know I'll have an easier time disciplining myself and remembering "what I want most in life", and not giving it up for "what I think I want now."

Satan is real. And I know my decision to go on a mission has made him work all the harder on me.  But I also know how real my Heavenly Father and Savior are, and just how much stronger I am when I rely on them, and they are on my side. 

 "And if our God is for us,

then who could ever stop us.

And if our God if with us,

 then what could stand against."

-Chris Tomlin Our God

nuff said.

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.

I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.

I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.

I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.

I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.

I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."

— Marjorie Pay Hinckley

What an inspiring lady.  Everything that comes out of her mouth is so uplifting, and gives you strength to go another day.  May we all look after her example.

:)

those moments..

       Ever have those moments? ya know when either you read, see, hear, witness, or in any way that information can be relayed to the brain something that changes your life for good?  I don't think it's ever just one huge, mind-boggling, event that only happens once and the rest is history.  I believe that whether they be big or small, there are MANY moments that change us. That give us strength to go on. That remind us how much we are loved. That remind us just how special each of us are.  It recharges our "batteries", so to say.  Because even if we are happy, and nothing is really going wrong, I still think our "batteries" slowly lose energy.  and it's those moments, most of the time when we don't even think we need them, that bring us back up to full, and give our lives even richer meaning, and even more confidence to go on and be the best we can be.

      That was a long introduction.  But I had one of those moments tonight.  Four thirty in the morning.  After a night of so much fun, and then pondering, and then tears, and then sadness, {it all came on so suddenly.  Isn't it crazy how life works?} I was just going to go to bed. I am exhausted, in all forms of the word emotionally, and physically.  {remember my day of wakeboarding? haha yaaaah, definitely paying for that one. can barely move any muscle in my body!}

     But I decided to check facebook, first.  There is a very special lady in my life, and I have only known her for a little over a year, but she is more of an example and means more to me than she'll ever know. I look up to her.  But I had written her a message a couple days ago, just saying hi.  And the message I got back tonight, was exactly what I needed, and I didn't know I needed it.

     I won't say what the message said, but I guess the point I'm trying to make, {sorry if I'm rambling, I just really feel I need to get this out} is that I was at a low, and something so simple as her message {which related hardly nothing to what I was upset about earlier tonight} made my entire out look change again; one of those moments. I didn't realize i needed my batteries recharged, until I read it.

       It's a testimony of how we are not alone. A loving God is in heaven watching out for us.  And He works through others sometimes, no-most of the time, to remind us that He's there.  How much of a win-win is that for us? Our relationship grows stronger with Him as we recognize His hand, we grow as individuals, and also a sweetening of the relationships we have with the people He works through.  Have you ever had a stranger smile at you? Ever had a close friend or family member say they love you? or write you a little note? or do something for you that they didn't need to do?  I could name many more examples.  But I believe that they are being instruments for the Lord, when He can't be here Himself.

       I heard somewhere, Never let a good thought go undone. (or something to that effect.)  You never know when the Lord is going to use you to be a moment for someone else. Most of the time you won't realize the effect that is produced, but do your good thoughts anyways.  I've tried to live by that, and I can tell a difference in my own happiness when I don't act as much as I should on those thoughts.

        And even though she'll probably never read this, I just want to tell her thank you.  Thank you for acting on that good thought to say what she did.  {because she said some things that normally she doesn't elaborate on, but she did tonight.} coincidence? I don't believe so.

If you made it to the end, wow, and thank you!  The Lord knows what we need, when we need it.  We are never alone.  <3

       

17 Miracles

I can't help but post about this movie.
A couple weeks ago I read the "Fire of the Covenant" by Gerald N. Lund.  {If any of you haven't read books by him I STRONGLY suggest you do.  The "Work and the Glory" series were amazing as well.}  This is the story about the Martin and Willie handcart companies who left so late in the year, and all their hardships.  I cried in a lot of parts while reading this book.

Then the movie 17 Miracles came out.  I think it might only be a Utah thing...maybe I'm wrong? let me know! But it was also about those two companies.  I love church history, and I love learning about the pioneers {I seriously am going to the perfect mission for me} and I was so excited to see this movie.  I was not disappointed.

What an incredible, moving, movie.  It was like a documentary, but turned more movie so it would be more enjoyable for more audience members.  I cried through a lot of it.  You can't help not too!  The hardships, pains, and sufferings they went through, defy thinking.  When reading a book about it, you picture what's going on in your head and that is poignant enough.  But actually seeing the frostbite..the incredible lack of food..the fire they had in them..it touches you in a whole different way.

The end of the movie was the real tear-jerker. If i hadn't of been in a theatre and trying {not too successfully, but it was kinda workin.} not to cry too hard, I would have been sobbing.  emotion just wells up in your heart for these people.  At the end there was a sentence that really struck me.

"Miraculously, there were not too many more that died in these two companies than in any other wagon train that went across the Oregon Trail."

The Lord did save His people.  Their journey might have been more rough than others, but they were faithful, and endured, and He never let them down.

What made the movie experience even more wonderful, was that after the movie was over and the credits started playing, NOONE moved. There was a still, reverent, hush over the theatre.  I know that not everyone in that theatre could have been LDS, but the Spirit was strong, and the story wonderful.  And even as everyone left it wasn't loud and boisterous.  It was a perfect ending to that movie, and I'm grateful I got to experience that.

I hope everyone gets a chance to see this movie.  I hope we never forget their legacy or what they've done for us.

I love to see the temple

On July 15, 2011 I became an endowed member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. <3

What a great blessing!  I was planning on going through the temple in St. George. I wanted all my friends to be there since I don't have hardly any family that can go in the temple, and I LOVE the STG temple, and I had made up my mind when I first started thinking about a mission.  But a week or so before I left for Florida for vacation, I thought again that I should go through the Orlando temple while we're down there so that my grandparents don't have to fly back out here.  ( I had thought of this idea before but hadn't wanted to, so I had forgotten about it.) So I call my bishop, and he said that the stake president wouldn't give me my recommend until I actually had my call.  (this was before I got my call, obviously. ;) ) Well we had this big plan. . . my step grandma was going to overnight my call to me if it came while we were gone, and the bishop/stake president said that they would ship me a temple recommend if that did happen.  It was going to be an epic project haha. But my call came the day before we left!  And that night I got in with my bishop AND stake president (so blessed) and I officially held my recommend. 

It was so amazing just to have it in my hands. Then, I actually got to go through.  And feel the peace everyone talks about is there. The still, meek, comforting feeling.  That is the Lord's house on earth.  I promised, and was promised many things, most of which I don't remember, (TONS of information), but I can't wait to go back and feel all of that again. 

Full Circle

"What if your blessings come from raindrops.  What if your healing comes through tears.  What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life, are the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.  What if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise."

It's amazing how much this song has stuck to me, and become to embody my life ever since the end of March.  Although I always try to see past just the lyrics themselves, I haven't quite gotten to understand all of these. But this song, has never failed to edify me.  To give me strength to go on.  To bring a peace to my aching heart in those times of need.  And tonight, it all is coming clear.  I can't begin to describe how much this song means to me.  Through the struggle of my life crashing down, and my heart being so broke, to the healing that only time, faith, hope, and power from above can bring.

My papers are in y'all.  Let the guessing begin. 

 Where in the world will Chelsey be going??

{smile so big you can see it from China}