So much to Learn!

Well, after a complete breakdown here at work, Neesh and Alex came over to visit.


Alex was saying I'm not dealing with the issues going on in my life right now.  That with a mission, I'm running away.

I am, in a way.

I want to get out of here because all St. G does is remind me of Marshall. I'm so scared to do anything hardly because I know that he might be there.  Like my mom said, I'm making myself a prisoner in my own town.

Why have I always felt like I would go on a mission? Maybe things change. and I haven't exactly made my mind up yet...but that's what I'm feeling now.

I know I need to confront all my anger at the situations in my life right now. I am not obligated to go on a mission.  I could fulfill MANY other missions instead of just a full time 18 month one.  I know I will go on one, just like my blessing said.  But that could mean anything.

Lots to pray about, lots to read, ponder, and study.

I was blog stalking again tonight.  And I found some amazing quotes that I really just needed to read.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."--Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

wow....all my pains right now. I KNOW without a doubt that I will receive so much more than my sad, pathetic, lonely, aching heart can comprehend right now.

(side note. It's amazing looking back, how usually right my feelings are. I try to brush them off as other things, but they are almost all true. Maybe I need to listen to another blessing I received, and TRUST IN MYSELF.)

"Things always fall into place after the trial of our faith."

Didn't I just say that in my other post?????? Is the Lord watching out for me or what??

And the clincher of them all.  The one where Heavenly Father is hittin me upside the head saying, I LOVE YOU. EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME TO HELP YOU GROW. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND SOON. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP, BECAUSE I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU.

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end--no dawn to break the night's darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea "Is there no balm in Gilead?" We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face." ~ Pres. Thomas S. Monson

I am so loved.  

How can anyone dispute that, about any of us?

WE are so loved.

Eternally.

I don't know why I was so blessed to be born now, here, with a roof over my head, food, clothes, everything I could ever need, and MANY things that I want.  But I know, since I'm so blessed with these things, I need to give back.  I need to have charity. I know I will one day get what I've always hoped for, and it will be everything I need. Everything my loving Heavenly Father knows I need, and what is BEST for me. Because I can't see 2 minutes into the future, but He can see Eternity.  

Maybe this is my answer?

Pray. I tend to make decisions very quickly and then not think. I'm really going to take these two weeks to study it out.  

Thank you Alex and Neesh. Y'all honestly saved my heart tonight.  I love you both.