Faith. . .

Someone asked me about my mission today..
and I realize how up in the air I am.

Becca for awhile there was always changing her mind..
and I used to think how crazy I thought she was. Like why can't she make a decision and stay with it?
But maybe that's how the Lord works with us stubborn people sometimes.

But it sucks.  Why can't I just go on a mission? Why has a full time mission not come up so strong? Why did I have that blessing, and it say what it did?  Why do I really feel at a standstill right now?  It's hard to have faith when I feel like I haven't had enough..if that makes sense.  Back to studyin, and going to the temple it is. (not that I've stopped, just going back for those reasons again.)
I pray I'll find the answers.  Kirk's blessing said to not fear and have confidence in the decision I've chosen. Is a service mission what I've chosen? I'm such a literal, black and white person with stuff. Is a mission, not what I think a mission is?  In the few times I've talked, or heard my bishop talk since this whole thing, he says everyone has a mission...whether it's being a mom-being a best friend- ANYTHING good and worthwhile could be your mission.
So maybe mine has something to do with the rest of that blessing, and meeting new people, throwing myself into the work at home. And through them I'll find my husband?  That scares me.  It scares me I already know him.... Ah! Faith, Chelsey. Faith. 
I've gotta stop questioning, but then i realized how little I have questioned in my life.  Hardly anything.  Maybe this is also teaching me that it's OKAY to question. Because we're supposed to ask Heavenly Father anything. Questioning leads to faith, right? I've always just done what I'm told, and never thought twice about my life really, now that I think about it.  And I'm grateful for my tendency towards obedience, but it's almost liberating to question.  Because...even though I am, I'm still having faith, but I'm getting answers! I'm not doing wrong by questioning as long as I don't let it start to pull on my faith in the Lord, and let it lift me.
Tonight I'm in the nursery, and purposefully didn't bring my computer, and after this I am going to just read and study and ponder. Hopefully I won't have to work tomorrow, and I can go to the temple and enjoy some time with the Lord, and my Heavenly Father.

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."
Ether 12:4

This has kinda become my go to scripture. I need to memorize it.