work..

Tonight I've actually been kinda busy.
knock on wood...I don't want it to get worse.
Not that I'm trying to be lazy...it's just really kinda scary when a call comes in...because you never know what to expect on EKG and I don't like the adrenaline if it's a big, scary thing.

I don't know what to think about myself right now.
I've been upset most of the day, even though I went to the temple and had fun.
I see pics of his family, and think of all I had...and why Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to have something like that?

My mom talked to the bishop last night.
And he said that my blessing could mean ANYTHING. so many things.
So, now what do I do?
The blessing also said that I would have a lot of advice but this decision is going to come from me, from the Lord.
Sooooooo what now?
Why do I feel so good about not going, and going on a service mission when I heard he said that, I want to go on a full time mission again.

My mom says I worry too much. To have faith, and that this decision is going to come from the Lord.
I KNOW this. Why do you think I'm having such a hard time???
I don't know where the line is, of making a decision and going to the Lord with it (which I did by keeping going on my papers) only to have it kinda shot down, to have that blessing in the back of my head, and now I don't know what to do.
I need new friends.
I feel like everything now is my old life, and that I need to find something new. and I HATE that.  I think with Marsh's family and friends I caught a glimpse of everything I've ever wanted, and then it was just snatched away.
All my friends are either married, single but live away from me, or just are not the hang out buddies.
ARG!.

Which part is mine Heavenly Father?

What am I supposed to do?

What Am I supposed to learn from this.

What would be best for me to do for Thy kingdom?

What can I do to have that faith I know that Thou wants me to have?

I just pray, please be by my side to carry me. I'm almost to the point where I can't do this anymore... 

"After I've done my best, I know You'll do the rest."
                           .....but I need help to do my best.