.......

I went to talk to the stake president last night...
I felt really strongly to tell him of my blessing, and how it said the mission thing.
He said I should wait a couple weeks, ponder and pray, and then meet with him again in two weeks and see what we should do about my papers.

I felt peace about this. But I also feel so overwhelmed again. I feel like I'm trying to do everything right...and yet I still can't get a straight answer, because on this one? I know that it's more important that I pick the one Heavenly Father wants for me, because these two directions can change my life forever.  If I go on a full time mission will I miss the opportunities of meeting the man I'm supposed to marry? or all the fun things I could be doing? Or if I go on a mission would they call me to just where I need to go for the amount of time I'm supposed to?

I hate making decisions like this.
I hate that I always have to go to work right after a big spiritual experience like that.
I hate that my heart still aches.
I hate that I always seem to go talk to my leaders on days when I'm the most sad.
I hate that I feel so alone when it comes to people around me.
Normally I don't mind going to work, but right now I HATE the fact that I have to go to work tonight AND tomorrow night.
I hate the fact of dating again.
I hate the fact of ugh..just everything.
I know this is Satan....I haven't quite figured out how he tempts me when I'm where i'm at now in my life. I could easily see it with Marshall, and I'm not just talking about physical stuff. But now I kinda don't know, but I know he's there, and I know I have to be careful.

It's a BEAUTIFUL day outside, and I HATE that I work night shift and have to sleep all day.
And I hate that I can't sleep more than I did today!!!!

I'm sorry for all the hatin'.  I honestly am having a really difficult time right now.
I pray for the wisdom to understand why i'm going through this.
I pray for time to go faster, but only until my heart heals, and then it can go back to normal pace.
I pray that I'll look back on this and laugh. Laugh at myself for worrying so much, laugh at myself for not having enough faith, and laugh at myself because everything did work out, just perfectly, if I'm willing to let my Heavenly Father guide me.  Not regret, but just laugh.

I need to learn that.

Sorry for the awful post.
But hey, it's a journal, and noone's readin it, so I can be :)