faith

This whole having faith thing, is really hard sometimes.  As I was driving home today, becoming increasingly sad with every mile marker because usually i would be going to his house to get a big hug and to chill, i was thinking about why can't I just know now?  Know why I have to go through this, when I thought and was trying to do everything I thought was going to be good.  And I know the answer is I wouldn't grow.  Yah I would still hurt from losing him, but there would be no reason to have faith.

Faith is believing, not seeing.

I went to the eye doctor today for more contacts.  He was asking the usual questions that you ask people you don't really know...stuff about boys etc.  and the questions hadn't come out and exactly said, do you have a bf? so I was just kinda answering them politely, until that question came up.  And I started crying. Right then and there. (I had been trying to hold them back all morning.) and I said, well..I was engaged until about a month ago.

Seeing this man today, was a tender mercy from the Lord. I have always just been very at ease with this doctor.  He's just one of those guys that can always make ya smile and there is never an awkward moment.  And he kinda told me some stories, and we talked a little bit, and I honestly felt so much better.  I know, weird right? Talking about all this with my...eye doctor? but seriously it wasn't weird at all.  He's LDS and was so good about the whole thing.  As we went along with the appointment and he checked my eyes out, he was going back and forth between two different things asking which one I could see better and he said something very profound.

*precursor*

*When we had been talking about it earlier, I said something about how I thought Marsh had been close to perfect for me and I couldn't really think of anyone being better.*

So after a few back and forths he said, 

Now I don't intend this to be funny or anything, but you said you thought he was perfect? 

I said, yah....and then he flipped to one screen that looked pretty clear to me. I could see it completely fine, but when he switched to the next screen it was even clearer. I had thought I was seeing just fine before. I hadn't realized that the first one was just a little bit hazy. So I said, the second one is better. And just very calmly and profoundly said,

the only reason you know that this one is better, is because you saw the one before.  you wouldn't have known the difference if you hadn't have seen both of them.

I was like wow. I had never thought about it really I guess, or this just really put it into perspective.  I would never have known what was better out there for me, unless I had had the one that was not so clear.  Although I could see the first one just fine, and I would have been a happy girl with it, the second one made things so much clearer.  It was just a very simple, yet reassuring sentence that I know was a tender mercy from the Lord.  If Marshall and I are supposed to be together later? and this just isn't our time? We needed each other to grow, and to come to this point, and to have this incredible pain for us to know the exquisite sweetness.  And if we are supposed to be with others? Then we needed each other to grow, and learn things that we will need for those other relationships, that only we could have taught each other.  Marshall came too perfectly into my life to be a mistake, or coincidence.  He was there for a very special purpose and he will always have a place in my heart, always.

Even though I still almost start crying about five times a day, and sometimes it's really hard to get going for the day...times like this come up probably more than I realize. To help keep me going. To keep pushing me along down this path of life. I have a lot to do. I have been told this many times, and anyone can read their patriarchal  blessing to know that we all have a lot to live up to in this life.  And this time is really for me to focus on myself.  What Chelsey likes, and wants, and needs, and mostly what I need to learn and how  I can give back to this world, and to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to be successful to my family, to me, and to my Heavenly parents and my Savior.
I am grateful for the tender mercies I receive each day.  The Lord is keenly aware of us.  I love Them so much.

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