A look back...and a smile forward!

It's my 100th post!  I can't believe i've made it to this point! I wanted to just take a look back on this year.  When I started this blog in April, I just wanted it to be a private online journal, viewable to only me, to get my frustrations out. I was hurt, sad, frustrated, confused, and almost every other emotion. But since then I've grown, and the hurt has been replaced by peace, and joy, and I don't have to be embarrassed by what's happened to me.  Just embrace it and let it help shape me into the person I'm becoming.  I found this quote on Pinterest, and it sums everything up, like only the way quotes can do.

via

I've learned so much about myself since God told me "no."  I've learned what I can handle, and that I can handle SO much more than I ever thought possible; and I can handle it and use it to build me up instead of down.  I've learned when we follow what Heavenly Father wants for us, we can be so much happier than we ever thought possible.  When my fiance and I broke up, I thought my world was ending.  All my plans for the future were taken away from me in a matter of minutes. No matter how much I kept reminding myself that it was the right thing, {and I knew it was the right thing to do} it still hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.

 I have never questioned so much in my life. 

WHY did this have to happen to me. Am I not doing what I'm supposed to? We weren't doing anything wrong!  It's our choice isn't it? What did I do to deserve this?  Am I not good enough to marry him?  I'm never going to find anyone that I love as much as him, why did this have to happen to me? What is wrong with me?

It was not a fun few months.  Yet, laced with all the questions and hurt was peace, and moments of happiness.  It was the little moments, the tender mercies of the Lord, that helped me through.  It's amazing how a little moment of peace, a little ray of light can push through all the darkness to give you strength for a little while.  To give you that extra push to get up in the morning, and put a smile on your face.  I have never been so blessed and looked after as I was during those next few months, and even now, now that I've truly .  I learned to truly turn to my Heavenly Father and Savior to find my peace, to just let the past go, learn all I could from it, and move forward looking brightly into the future. 

I'm not saying I handled it perfectly.  There were moments where I just wanted to give up, and there were moments I did.  To just mope around all day eating ice cream and comfort foods. I didn't want to go to work, or church or anywhere in public. It was so hard to face all the questions, reliving the story all the time, even though people were just being well meaning. I would get so angry sometimes, so easily and the littlest things would frustrate me to no end.  But something was always there, at the precise moment I needed it, to take my hand and guide me through.  When I could barely make it through a day, he sent my eye doctor, of all people. He sent me two new friends that changed my summer. He sent me simple moments when I didn't even know I would need them.  Even on the day I was supposed to be getting sealed for time and all eternity I was especially not left alone.  It's amazing how the Lord sends others to do put their arms around us when He can't do it himself.  Have you ever heard the poem, "Footprints in the Sand." ?  I'm sure you have, but now you should listen to it. :)

The decision to go on a mission was also a real struggle.  I didn't want to go at first, in the least bit. But then I got an answer that I should go, and I went full steam ahead and just wanted to leave. I wasn't waiting for anything and nothing could stop me. But I was trying to do things way too fast, and in my own time frame and I wondered why nothing was working out. {and I couldn't see this why? lol. Hindsight is always 20/20 like they say.}   I went back and forth so much {over the course of two and a half months} that it was making me sick. But it was when I finally just calmed down and learned some patience that I knew I needed to slow down, and things will work out like they're supposed to, as long as I'm trying to do what's right and what I'm supposed to. And suddenly, I wasn't scared anymore. I was so excited! It was a peaceful feeling, instead of the rushed feeling. The night I turned my papers in was such a turning point for me.  I felt like my Heavenly Father was so proud of me, and let me tell you, nothing can compare to that feeling, nothing.  And now that I only have 19 days left till I leave, that peace that I've made the right decision has only grown.  I knew at first I needed to go on a mission, but I'm so glad I'm going now, and not then.  I knew I wouldn't have come home because I was sad or anything, but I needed to grow a little more, and have a few more experiences so that I could fully serve the Lord in the full capacity that He needs me to.

 I'm so grateful for God's"redirection" in my life! As much as I loved this boy and wanted to marry him, I'm so grateful we're not married, and that we both listented to those promptings!  Even though I believe we could have had a great marriage, God has different things in store for both of us, and His plan is always the better one. I've learned that God teaches us line upon line, and in His way.  I've learned that His way of teaching us always is for our benefit, and never to mock us or hurt us.  It's not about what we want, or what we think would be best for us at the moment. If we truly let ourselves be led by Him, our mistakes will never be to our detriment, only our aid, and our triumphs will be expounded upon us more wonderfully than we can comprehend. We are being prepared for eternal salvation, and I hope I can always look at my trials with a smile on my face and a faith that I am becoming the daughter He wants me to be.

Gee whiz if you made it to the end, thank you for reading! I write all this so that I can remember. This has been a big journey for me, and I'm grateful I can look back with a smile, and look forward to my new adventures with an even bigger smile.  Life is wonderful! Keep smiling :)