growth.

As I'm sitting here, 4+ hrs to go, and feeling very tired....
I started reading my old posts again.

I made it all the way back to the beginning.  It's so amazing how even now I can still feel acutely the pain I was going through as I wrote each of those posts.  But how grateful I am that I did write them!  To not have any of that? To have gone through all I just did and not record any of it?  It makes me have a greater want to journal, even though I already am.  It just enforces my testimony of it.

I've grown a lot in these three months.
I would have gotten married in now..11 days.  Geez.  When we first got engaged three more months seemed like eternity. Now that day would have almost been here.
But I'm happy.
I truly am.
Can't say that I understand exactly why it needed to happen like it did, but I do realize how much I'm growing. And how sweet a blessing that is I can't even begin to explain.  I feel like anything I do from now on I have  a greater capacity to do.  It's this feeling of truly knowing myself.  Why I couldn't figure that out when I was with him, I don't know.  But I will revel in this "exquisite sweetness."  and it's only the gospel and my testimony of my Heavenly Father and Savior that can give me that.

Sacrament meeting today? just for me. Every word said. It was crazy. At first I kinda denied it, but after awhile I really couldn't.  I definitely need to fast more. Holy goodness.
Between you and me, I think I'm going to turn my papers in.....
almost every testimony was about a mission.
then one girl said that no time is wasted because we are learning.
I worry so much about that blessing, but ANYTHING can happen even if I do go on a mission.  And when I find my EC it could be anytime. I have got to stop trying to make everything I hear a self-fulfilling prophecy.

so this week will be a week of pondering.
My bishop can't talk till next sunday.
Gives me a week to fast again,
to go to the temple,
to meet Jon,
to think about it, ponder, study it out,
and if it's right at the end of this week still {I'm very tired of rushing into a decision}
then those puppies will be in!

But I'm seriously not telling anyone till I have the actual call in my hands.
I hate having to explain to everyone over and over again my crazy thoughts that change all the time.  Sooooo I know I don't have to. So I'm not going to.  Feels good. :)

I start Institute classes this week!!! rock on, rock on.
Although I'm sorely tempted to skip tomorrow. i'm so tired :S
But I won't.....just might die at work tomorrow but whatev haha.

Too long a post, so signing off.  Toodles!