sigh.

i can write stuff like this, because oh yah, no one reads this haha.
but even through knowing all i know, and feeling all the good feelings i have felt, i still miss him.
i miss that friendship. i knew i had someone who cared about me immensely, no matter what.  ya know, things did kinda get weird at the end...but i know he loved me. i'm sitting here tonight(bad idea to be alone in your thoughts a lot) but i just simply miss marshall.  all his weird antics, and sometimes when he was trying to be cute and ask me for something he'd always lean over and just give me this look/smile and ask.  that pops up in my head a lot.  i wonder if he thinks the same way too sometimes..just missing me.
i got mad at him yesterday. i know i was being dumb, and i got over it, but still. i found out he was exercising. what a jerk.  after always saying to me that i needed to lose weight, and getting a little disappointed if i didn't do insanity that day, he never did anything. and now we're not together and he starts exercising.

were we holding each other back?

had we both just gotten to a point where we didn't want to lose each other, so we didn't do anything about all the little things that had been coming up?

that we weren't making each other as happy anymore?

not trying to do everything in our power to make sure the other one was completely satisfied?

funny how things start to seem a little fuzzy, the good things and the bad. guess that's God's plan. you have to forget stuff, or else you can't move on. no one would ever be in another relationship because everything would still be fresh on their minds with the last ones, the pain of a broken heart would still be able to be felt. moms would probably have less babies, if they remembered just exactly how acute the pain was of labor.  you know certain things hurt..but you forget just quite as much, so it allows you to try again.

because of what he taught me, i'm doing a lot better with this than i thought. and by the good tender mercy of my Heavenly Father. but it also means i know how good he is at doing it himself.  i know he's doing good, and i honestly want him to be happy.  just hard to know he's so good at letting things go, especially when he knows it's right. just like we both do about this.

i know this is right.  all my doubts that i put off as cold feet are starting to make sense. if we get together later it will be God's design, and i know it will be so right, but that will take a lot of time, and a lot of changing on both our parts. people say to me all the time that maybe it just wasn't the timing for us, and maybe later. want to know something? i don't believe that.  i've been wrong before, and believe me i know that things can always change, but i think marsh and i have done all we could for each other. i don't know what he needed to learn from me, but i hope he did. i know i learned from him. yes we could have gotten married and we would have been really really happy.  but i don't think we were quite exactly what the other needed to make our lives happily complete. i just don't think we could see it while we were together, because we did have a strong love. i honestly think we'll see each other in eternity and just be able to smile at each other, and think how grateful we were for everything that happened.
i needed a little more emotionally.  towards the end i really started to wonder if he loved me as much as he said he did. i won't go into details but i really need to get this all out, no matter how much.  he needed someone a little more like him. some people can live with a spouse who is polar opposite, but he needed someone just like him.  sometimes i felt like he really needed me to be more in ways that i couldn't just change in ten months, and that i or even him for that matter knew what those changes were.  he was everything for me, i just needed more emotionally. i really did feel like a burden on him. i know these are self-depricating thoughts, and i know i'm probably far fetched and need to think more of myself. but i did. and it weighed on me.
anything can happen, especially in the blink of an eye, but when we were talking on the sunday before he went to the temple, and we were both crying...he was telling me what he felt and i had a little vision i guess.  we were in heaven( i couldn't see anything in detail but it was all bright and i just knew that's where we were.) and we were like on these benches and he was in front of me with his wife, and i was by my husband in the rows behind him and he turned around and just smiled at me, i smiled back, and he turned around. that was the end of it, but even though my heart was in the process of breaking into many many pieces, i just felt the peace.  we'll both be so happy..and we'll both come to fully understand our part in each others lives, and why our lives turned out like they did.  Heavenly Father will NOT take us away from each other, just to give us other who are less than what we had with each other.

people always say you just know when you are with the person you're supposed to marry. that's why people can get married after a month of knowing each other and be married 50+ years.  it's that knowledge. i knew i could marry marshall and be freaking happy as all get out.  when we proposed, i was ecstatic. he was the love of my life. but i don't think i ever felt that i just know feeling.  maybe that is the hopeless romantic in me.  it probably is. i know you don't need to feel that. but i hope i don't feel as many doubts with the "one." i grew up a lot with marshall. i can't imagine where i'd be if we hadn't of gone on that blind date.  i would still be the same ol person i was, not growing really, still trying to get to somewhere that wasn't really anywhere. i feel like i have a better grip on life right now. more understanding of who i am, who i want to become, and the goals in my life.
i'm always so worried that i don't know who i am.  that if i don't say certain stuff in my blog, or say certain things, or do certain things that i see the people i look up to do that i am lacking. that i don't really know myself.
but ya know what?
I DO.
despite the heartache cloud i'm in right now, i know that i love myself.  and i know when the fog starts to clear i'm going to love life even more. that's one thing i loved most about marshall. he never forgot who he was, and always lived life to the fullest, and enjoyed every second of where he was, no matter what he was doing.  i'm always trying to do new stuff, and if i get bored i get really discontent with life. i know that both of those qualities are good. but he made me realize that yah, just sitting and watching tv, or talking with those you love and are closest to you, is okay. it's amazing actually. because those we love, are the most important. and if we don't have good relationships with them, even when doing nothing, for days on end, then we don't have anything.  i'm grateful for that lesson.
i am a beautiful person, and i have a lot to offer this world.  and when i think that way, life gets a little bit easier. things start to make a little more sense.  i don't have to be just like everyone else..because i group all those other people i look up to, in one group. those i look up to.  and they're all individuals and i, me, if they were to really look at me, they would learn from me too.  i have just as much to offer this world as the next person, i just really tend to fail to see it a lot of times.
i know that that hurt our relationship. i know i'm right in a lot of things i got upset about.  but a lot of them? i made up. my head is my own worst enemy, literally. and i know this because i do those exact same things with everyone who is close to me, not just my romantic relationships. it just becomes more apparent in those because they are so much closer to my heart in a different way that only those types of relationships can be, especially someone you are going to marry.
i'm sorry that i'm just rambling now. sometimes parts of me think that even if i ever had the chance to be with him again, i wouldn't do it. but then i know that i totally could.i go back and forth with myself so much. wondering what is me? what is real? what is fake? what is the devil? what is the Spirit? what is revelation? what is just my own mind and thoughts?
it's a struggle, which i hate. which weighs on me. for once in my life i just want to be able to be completely happy about something for more than a few days when the doubts start to creep in, and make me have to STRUGGLE to remember the good times, and to be happy again.
i'm so tired of myself sometimes, yet i'm grateful for the growth i have received and the amazing things i have been taught. i know that you make your own happiness, but how do you get past your head? and be able to categorize efficiently what is trash in our heads, and what is real? i want to fight myself, but it seems when i do i choose to fight for the wrong thing, which i learned the hard way.
i hate growing up.
but how grateful i am where i am now, because i could never go back.

i hope that a mission (if it's right for me,) teaches me these final things i know i need to learn before i get married and have kids.  or if not, that i find some way to get ahold of my brain. and learn to differentiate my spirit, and my mortal body, so i can listen to myself and know i'm doing what is best for me.  to not doubt like i do now. i doubt more than i really want to admit, about everything.
even though i now know what chelsey wants, what chelsey needs, i hope i can find myself sooner rather than later.  to not always live in my head of comparing and thinking that someone is always watching me, even when i'm alone, so i can stop having to put on a show.
they say, you can't truly love someone, till you love yourself? i truly believe that.  i hope i can learn to love myself, before i just get tired of life.
i needed to say all this. and even right now, i'm thinking of the one person i know has this blog address..and thinking what will she think of me when she reads this.  i have got to stop.
operation find chelsey has begun.
i'm going to need a lot of prayers.
chelsey.lavoye.baker